


Urges

by miera



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/M, Original Characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-05
Updated: 2010-08-05
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:19:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miera/pseuds/miera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While MACO Corporal Nathan Hawkins tries to keep the promise he made to Sgt. Josh Kemper in Leah's "Blood, Darkness, Death and Love," he runs into Lieutenant Jessy Giordano during a late night in the Armory. Hawkins was a minor character on the show, but his characterization here along with Josh Kemper is borrowed from Leah. Giordano is an OC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Urges

There was a resigned sort of misery over the mess area as people ate their food. Everyone was dazed, sleep-deprived, too exhausted to pay much attention to the taste of anything. Food, like sleep, showers and even going to the bathroom, had all become things done when a momentary break occurred that let you remember things like basic necessities.

Corporal Nathan Hawkins had slept. Four hours out of every 24 since the attack. Hayes' orders. The major said they "wouldn't be any damn good if they tried to deny their bodies everything." They were to eat and sleep and "not get any bullshit macho ideas about toughing it out." So Nathan had slept, and now he was dutifully eating his mystery meat food pack. It tasted like dust. But it helped. He had to concentrate on the act of chewing and swallowing, sometimes adding water just to get the food to go down. Thinking about forcing his jaw to work prevented him from thinking about... everything else.

When the food was gone, though, he got up and left the mess, and there was nothing to keep "everything else" away. The attack on the ship, 18 people dead, the Xindi still out there somewhere, spatial anomalies still ripping through the ship more or less at random. The attack by the Xindi had caused several sections of Enterprise to decompress. Three people had been spaced, sucked right out into the void. Nathan looked at the gray walls surrounding him as he walked. They had never seemed more fragile, or more useless, and he hadn't been happy about hurtling through space in a tin can, not from day one of this mission.

He hated it out here. Lunar training had been one thing. It was just a short hop back home from there. Now, though, they were so far away...

Too far away, maybe, to ever find their way back.

Nathan ran his hands through his short hair, resting his palms at the back of his neck. He felt the familiar swelling of anxiety, anger, frustration, all mixing up inside him. The more he tried to ignore it, the worse it got. It slithered along his limbs, making him twitch, heightening his senses. He could hear every small creak and pop, and even through closed eyelids could make out the flickering of the corridor lights.

He couldn't hold this in. He'd never make it.

But he promised Josh – Sergeant Kemper. He wasn't going to do... that. Not anymore. He promised he wasn't going to cut himself again. No matter what. And he was going to keep that promise. MACO's honor.

Josh said Nathan could talk to him. No, Josh had ordered Nathan to talk to him. Except Josh was having his own problems right now, after what had happened to him and Major Hayes. And friend or not, Josh was still his superior. Nathan had already seen Phlox for his regular appointment today. If he went back, Nathan was afraid the doctor would give him some kind of sedative, and Nathan couldn't do that. If the ship came under attack again, he wouldn't be much use to his team doped up. He'd have to find some other way.

It might be nearly 2am, but there was surely work to do. He'd had his four hours of sleep, and he'd never be able to get more like this. He'd go to the Armory, see if there was anything that he could help with. If not there, Engineering could always use more hands right now. If he could focus on something else, he'd be okay. Maybe.

Nathan gritted his teeth and went the Armory. He peered through the partial darkness of the room. All weapons systems were running, but everything had been jury-rigged, and the lighting wasn't on anyone's priority list. He could only make out one person moving around, not surprising given the late hour. He walked towards the figure and a sudden shower of sparks made him jump back. The brief lightshow was enough to tell him the person was female, which meant it had to be Jessy Giordano, the night shift armory officer.

She was in uniform, but the top half of the jumpsuit was tied around her waist. Her shirtsleeves were pushed up, and like everyone else on board, there were dirt smudges and bruises all over her exposed skin. Giordano had been in the Armory during the attack, if he remembered right. Looked like she'd gotten knocked around a bit.

She also jerked away from the sparking wires, holding a tool in her hand. "Goddamn it!" she growled. He watched as she pulled back an arm and stopped abruptly. It was obvious she wanted to throw the wrench across the room, but was holding herself back.

He spoke without thinking. "Why don't you just chuck it?"

Giordano whipped around at the sound of his voice, and for a split second Nathan was sure she was going to use the wrench to smash in his skull. Nathan's body automatically went into a defensive posture, adrenaline pouring into his bloodstream. He could feel his heart pounding so hard it almost hurt.

Giordano backed off and breathed out slowly, visibly trying to calm down. She looked down at the wrench for a minute. "Everything in here is so trashed. I shouldn't be making it worse."

He chuckled without much humor and tried to swallow, his mouth dry from the instinctive response. "Anything I can help with, ma'am?" Giordano was a lieutenant, which meant she outranked him.

Giordano nodded wearily, brushing futilely at the stray hairs which were falling in her face. "I'm trying to re-establish the regular power conduits to the torpedo launch mechanism." She frowned at the burnt console. "Obviously the wiring still isn't right. Can you test the connections for me?"

Nathan went over to her. Giordano handed him a meter and he ducked underneath the panel. She sat down on the floor as well and started reading through a list. He tested each connection while she noted the ones that needed to be replaced.

His abdomen started to protest from trying to hold him in between lying down or sitting up. He shifted around to rest his weight on his arm, his legs twisting and colliding with Giordano, who grunted slightly.

"Erm, sorry, ma'am." Nathan mumbled, embarrassed.

"S'alright," Giordano didn't look up from the padd she was using. "And you can drop the 'ma'am' thing."

"Yes ma-" Nathan bit back the word just in time. He caught Giordano giving him a wry grin.

When it became apparent that an entire section of wiring needed to be replaced, they switched places. Giordano stretched herself out, flat on her back under the panel. Nathan hunkered down on the floor, handing her tools and parts as she needed them.

They worked in relative silence for a bit. Nathan tried to concentrate on the task at hand, but he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering over her body, what with her lying right in front of him like that. Even through the uniform he could see the curves of her hips and legs. He felt a little tremor in his muscles, but he didn't think it had to do with adrenaline any more.

His eyes went back up to find her staring at him expectantly. Caught. Giordano caught him looking. She looked shocked for a second and he recoiled slightly, expecting a reprimand. He pulled the hand that had been casually resting on her calf back like he'd been burned.

She didn't seem pissed at him, though. She smiled, actually, and he thought there might be a faint blush on her cheeks. "The wire cutters, Hawkins?"

Nathan ducked his head, feeling awkward, handing her the tool. "So, you always so jumpy or is it just..." he let the question trail off.

She shrugged, her expression a little sheepish. "I wasn't getting a lot of sleep before this," she sat up, careful not to whack her head on the metal frame of the console. She waved at the catastrophe all around them. "Now it's all just even worse."

He nodded with more sympathy than he figured she realized.

She sighed and her eyes became momentarily unfocused. "And now, Taylor..."

Taylor was the engineer who had died when a section of the ship decompressed. Nathan didn't know much about her other than that she was dead. Hell, most of what he knew about Giordano was from before she joined Starfleet, when she'd been an athlete back on Earth. He'd followed her kickboxing career pretty closely when he was younger. Nathan had been excited about getting to meet her in person when he first came on board, but the rift between the MACOs and the Fleeters--especially the security staff--had wrecked that pretty quick. About the only time he interacted with her was during training exercises in the gym, and then he was too preoccupied with not getting his ass kicked to think about much else. "I'm sorry," he spat out on autopilot. "Were you guys...close?"

Giordano shrugged again, but her voice got a little harder. "There aren't a lot of women on this ship. We tend to bond."

Nathan immediately felt stupid. Of course on a ship this small with this few women, they would all know each other, even if they didn't get along. Then again, it was kind of easy to forget about things like that when the only people he ever spent much time with were other MACOs. Even with things thawing between his team and the security staff, the MACOs were more or less a closed unit.

A broken unit, now. Nathan thought about Taylor. She hadn't been all that far away from Major Hayes, Josh Kemper and Snipe. Hayes and Kemper were lucky they hadn't been a couple decks above, in the decompressed section. They'd be dead too. Like Snipe.

Jacob Rosenfeld had died instantly according to Phlox, killed when a titanium girder had fallen on his head, crushing his skull. The same beam had broken Hayes' leg. The image of Snipe lying there with the girder partly in his head, blood on the floor in a pool, popped up in his mind before Nathan could stop it.

Nathan bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, the flaring of the pain keeping him focused. He tried to get control of his thoughts back. "Think about something else, Corporal," he told himself. He didn't want to remember Jacob that way.

Snipe had been so happy a few weeks ago, when Nathan, on orders from Hayes, had given him his corporal's rank back. Nathan knew it meant double to Jacob that it came specifically from Hayes, even if the Major didn't deliver it himself. It was so damn unfair – Snipe had finally redeemed himself, just to get squashed like a goddamned bug or something. He didn't even die on a mission, just in a stupid twist of fate.

Nathan fumbled with the pliers he was holding. He muttered a curse at himself. He came here to work so he wouldn't think about this.

He picked the tool back up and glanced at Giordano, intending to apologize for swearing. He stopped when he realized she was staring at the far wall of the Armory, motionless. There were tears in her eyes.

"Uh, Lieutenant?" Nathan asked as quietly as he could. She looked kind of like he felt. He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder.

She shook her head abruptly, the movement startling after her being so still. "It's nothing. Forget it." She swiped angrily at the wetness that had spilled down her cheeks with the back of a dirty hand, getting to her feet to check the console.

He stood up as well, not sure what to do, if she needed to talk or if it would be better to just drop it. They waited as she ran a diagnostic on the panel.

The readout flashed red, indicating the panel still wasn't working right. Giordano leaned her arms against the top of the console with deliberate precision, her head down. Nathan knew it meant she was fighting to keep control again.

"This is utterly fucking hopeless," she muttered. Abruptly she slammed her palm against the metal, the sound jarringly loud in the empty room. "We're never going to get all of this fixed! Not before--" Her words cut off mid-sentence, but Nathan knew exactly what she meant.

She slid her palms over her hair, smoothing it back, unconsciously mirroring his posture earlier. Her hands stayed there on her neck, head down, her face partly hidden from him. "I don't even know why we're bothering."

Nathan wanted to say something comforting but he couldn't think of anything that wasn't a lie.

She dropped her arms and went on. "They're just going to come back. They're gonna come back and all of this will have been for nothing!"

Nathan saw that her hands were shaking. He reached over and took hold of her hand in both of his. It was a lot smaller than he'd expected, even given the overall difference in their sizes. Her skin was so cold it shocked him.

She looked at him in surprise, but she didn't shove him away. He couldn't think of anything to say, so Nathan rubbed the skin on the back of her hand gently, acutely aware of how soft it felt, letting the warmth from his hands sink into her cold skin.

She sighed, looking down at their intertwined fingers. "Do you ever feel like you're racing the clock?" Her voice was barely a whisper, and Nathan leaned closer, listening. "Like you're already on borrowed time, and you can just feel things ticking down, like you're just waiting, all the time, for that alarm to go off?"

He squeezed her hand tightly. "And every thing makes you jump, cause you think that's it, it's time."

She spoke faster now, words starting to tumble together, "And you just know that your turn is coming, but you have to just wait, and you can't *do* anything about it-"

"But just standing around waiting is going to kill you," he finished, his voice trembling. His stomach was twisting with excitement and relief. He wasn't the only one who felt this way.

Her brown eyes flickered down to his body and then back up to his face. Giordano came even closer, her body brushing against his. "You have to do something."

He nodded, holding his breath now. "Anything."

Nathan wasn't sure who moved first. Maybe they both did at the same time. Whoever started it, just a heartbeat later his tongue was in Giordano's mouth and her hips were rubbing against his crotch, which was already tight inside his uniform. His hands cupped her ass, pulling her in closer, and he felt the curves he had been eyeing earlier flush against him. He used his larger body to push her backwards, until they collided with the console they were supposed to be fixing. She let out a tiny grunt but her hands ran over his chest as he pinned her against the metal. Nathan buried his fingers in her dark hair, pouring himself into the kiss. His whole body started to get warm.

Giordano pulled away, breathing hard. He saw her gaze move towards the doors. If anyone walked into the Armory, there was no way they wouldn't see them, even with half the lights gone. But the doors weren't functioning, so if anyone came in, they'd know.

And at the moment, Nathan didn't really give a shit if anyone saw them anyway. He wanted her, right here and now.

Her eyes came back to him, lingering over his chest before moving to his face and locking with his. They were so dark they looked almost liquid black in the low light. Nathan stilled, waiting for her to decide what she wanted. "Is this-" he started to ask.

"Shh," she cut him off, bringing his head down, thrusting her tongue into his mouth, wrestling with his aggressively. Nathan didn't bother waiting for more specific permission. He moved his hands to her front, untying the sleeves around her waist, tugging the zipper of her uniform down as far as it would go, and then pushing at the fabric. It wouldn't go down enough. He pulled away from her mouth, glaring at the fabric that was in his way.

"Dammit," he muttered.

He grabbed the uniform in his two hands and yanked, ripping the zipper apart as well as the cloth beneath it. Her jumpsuit spliced open the rest of the way and he crouched down, jerking her feet free from the uniform and her boots. For a second he worried that he'd moved too fast, but he looked up into those dark eyes and saw the way she was looking at him. She was turned on, and the knowledge went straight to his groin.

His hands skimmed back up along the warm flesh of her thighs. He reached around behind her to get her underwear down over the curve of her hips. His face nuzzled her stomach under the black shirt. He felt her fingernails trailing over his neck and through his hair, raising goose bumps everywhere. Underneath the odor of sweat and smoke he could smell her scent. His tongue darted out and licked at her navel, feeling a surge of excitement when the fingers in his hair clutched at his head.

Nathan stood up and unceremoniously lifted Giordano onto the console. Her knees were wide apart and he stood between them as she tugged at his belt buckle. He slipped a hand in between her legs. Her heartfelt gasp when he began stroking her made him smile--a genuine, honest-to-God smile. He couldn't remember the last time he'd done that.

Between the two of them they got his belt open and his pants down. One of her hands wrapped around his erection, thumb teasing all the right places and all of a sudden he was so hard it almost hurt. He groaned, his hips jerking into her touch and he needed more. A lot more.

Nathan moved closer to her, slipping a hand up under her shirt, rewarded when he felt her nipple harden under his touch. Their eyes met and she gave him a nod, her hips shifting forward, right at the edge of the console. He was surprised but he was hardly going to argue.

Giordano's eyes closed as he pushed into her, and he felt her legs wrap around his waist. She was hot, tight and soft all at once, and he had to pause because it felt too good. He wanted this to be good for both of them. Plus, he'd bet if he finished before she did, the lieutenant just might break every bone in his body.

He focused on the sound of his own harsh breathing until he had backed off the edge. He grabbed hold of her hip as he started to rock into her. He tried to thrust slowly, worried that he might hurt her, but Giordano leaned back on one arm, bracing her body. "Faster," she gritted out, rolling her hips to meet his. He sped up obligingly, his hand going to where their bodies were joined together, savoring the shudder he got from her.

His universe narrowed down to his groin, all the blood and energy in his body flowing to the same place. His heart was pounding and he was sweating heavily. He felt a shakiness in his limbs, like what he'd come to associate with a knife blade, with pain and shallow cuts, but it was different now, because of where he was, because of what they were doing and because Giordano was right there with him. He felt her pressed tight against him, legs locking him against her, fingers digging into his shoulder. Every thrust brought forth a small moan from deep in her throat, the sounds just egging him on. He buried his face in her neck, smelling her sweat, his lips latching on to her skin. His tongue swirled and he tasted salt, not the saltiness from blood but something else. Better. Fantastically so.

He both heard and felt her cry out, her throat vibrating under his mouth as the sound echoed in his ears. He felt her shaking, clenching around him as she came, and his blood burned as his own orgasm hit. He shuddered with her, convulsing several times before the waves of pleasure faded and he could finally draw in a deep breath.

"Holy shit," he gasped raggedly. He heard her chuckle breathlessly against his ear.

Nathan steadied himself against the console. Giordano leaned into him, head against his shoulder, and his arms wrapped around her. Nathan closed his eyes and simply rested, concentrating on how her body felt, the soft sound of someone else breathing next to him, and the gradual slowing of his own heartbeat. His arms and legs felt pleasantly tired, like they did after a workout.

It took a long moment before he realized the urge to cut himself was gone. The shakiness, the restlessness, the feeling of something in him screaming until it bled had vanished, spilled out of him with his come.

He was calm. He basked in it, knowing it was temporary and not caring. The truth was, it was always temporary, no matter how he came by it. At least this time, he felt no shame about his relief. He had to smile a little at the irony of that.

Giordano's body shifted and he loosened his grip, not sure if she wanted him to move away or not. "Uh, Lieutenant?" he asked for the second time. "Are you alright?"

She leaned back enough to look at him. He was relieved to see a peaceful expression on her face, matched by a contented languor in her body. "I think you can safely call me by my first name right now," she told him, grinning. She shifted her hips to emphasize the point and he hissed.

"Jessy," he managed through clenched teeth.

"Nathan." The now-warm skin of her fingers brushed against his cheek. He looked down at her and had no idea what to say. What was an appropriate remark when you just fucked someone who was technically your superior officer, in the middle of the night, in a public place?

So he kissed her instead, gently this time.

Her forehead rested against his for a moment. "We should get back to work," she said.

"Right," he said, but he didn't move. Neither did she. They stayed like that, face to face, holding each other, for a while longer.

Finally they separated, and Nathan pulled his pants up. Jessy attempted to get her uniform back on, but he had torn it pretty thoroughly. He glanced up from fastening his belt to find her glaring at him.

"I'm going to have to go change," she muttered.

Nathan couldn't help the smug grin that crossed his face. "Oops."

Jessy tried to keep glaring but a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. She managed to tie the arms of the jumpsuit together enough to cover herself.

Nathan fidgeted for a moment, watching her bend over to pull her boots back on. He took a deep breath. "There's something I should probably confess."

Jessy's eyebrows went up, her expression wary.

"I, uh, I was a big fan of yours," he stammered out. "Back when you were, you know, competing. Back on Earth. I even had a picture of you up on the wall in my dorm room in college."

Something flashed across her face that Nathan couldn't read. But then she smirked at him. "On the wall, huh? Over your desk or your bed?" she asked pointedly.

"Over the desk," Nathan smirked right back at her. "But I could see it from my bed."

She nodded, her smile turning rueful. "Bet you never thought this was how we'd... get acquainted."

The words came out of his mouth before he thought about them. "I wouldn't trade it." After Nathan said them, he realized they were true. It was completely crazy, but it was true.

Jessy stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm going to get a fresh uniform, Corporal. Do you think you could look over the diagnostic and get set up for the rest of the repairs?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said, deliberately drawing out the second word. Jessy rolled her eyes and Nathan watched appreciatively as she walked to the door. He turned back and looked at the console with a huge grin on his face.

 

***

 

It was well into the following afternoon when Nathan crossed paths with Josh Kemper in the corridor. "Sarge," Nathan said formally. Josh merely nodded, falling into step alongside him. Josh looked bone tired, and his eyes were barely open.

"You alright, Josh?" Nathan asked quietly.

Josh scrubbed a hand over his face. "Yeah. I'm just... you know. Tired."

Nathan didn't say anything. 'Tired' had become kind of a code on board over the past few days. No one could explain what was wrong with them, but everyone was feeling the same thing anyway, so everyone just said they were 'tired,' rather than try to talk about what no one wanted to talk about. Josh was just a little more 'tired' than the rest of them.

Josh glanced at Nathan sharply. "What about you? How are you doing?"

Nathan knew exactly what he was asking. "I'm alright, Josh."

Josh stopped and looked at Nathan critically. Nathan remained calm, meeting Josh's eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Nathan wondered for a moment what he was going to say if Josh asked more questions. Part of him wanted to gloat, but mostly he wanted to hang on to his little secret for a while, savor it. But he also didn't want to lie point blank to his friend.

"OK," Josh didn't push him for an explanation, he just started walking again. "Where are you headed?"

"Armory. Lieutenant Reed asked for some extra help for the next shift." Nathan was proud that he didn't smirk.

Josh nodded, then gave a bone-cracking yawn. "I'm going to the Mess and then I'm going to crash, I think. I'll see you later." He reached out and slapped a hand against Nathan's shoulder as they parted ways. Nathan smiled and headed for the Armory again.


End file.
